By Richardeen Williams
Preface
This poem was composed as a way of expressing my frustration, hurt, and ignorance which I did not know at the time to express and justify why I should be able to stay in an unequally yoked relationship.
The poem was a reflection of a daily prayer that showed how my flesh battled against my spirit.
At that moment I didn’t trust that God cared about me. I thought he was just a dictator but all along all he cared for me. This thinking kept me in a perpetual cycle for years until I trusted him and allowed my God given community to help.
I didn’t want to share this poem due to it being personal, my own insecurities, doubts and fears but God has allowed me to see the hurt and the misleading of others. I’ve seen domestic abuse, compromise, delay of purpose, STD’s, depression, mistreatment along with other things from disobedience and being with the wrong person. God doesn’t want that to be you and neither do I. This poem can be used also for any other form of addiction or attachment that is hindering your relationship with God. Choose God and let us lay aside the things that so easily beset us.
The poem
Kill my flesh so you can be honoured
I want to be the one to show him better, to teach him better so we can be together forever. I know I’m not God, but this one stands distinctly at the centre of my eye. It kills me to feel like another glimpse of someone will heal the very part of him that I am seeking to contact.
“It’s not yours.”
But this is what I need!!! He loves me and I felt alive and relieved when he held me and showed me to the world. I got validation and appreciation. His structure, his physique, his hands on my hips I need-
“Trust me”
I’m giving up something that is secret for something that is sacred. Sacrificial death of my flesh that arouses me.Give me an Abraham outcome “if he did it for me, he can do it for you” Where is my reflection of that testimony “my heart’s desire.”
“Wait on me”
Patience has broken me and healed me again but how am I sure it won’t suffocate me to death. My eyes get weary, my veins leak tears, I don’t even feel like I’m human…..
Just give me him….
He listens and does the opposite of what I asked*
Analysis
The first stanza is about a young lady expressing her feelings about wanting to be deeply involved in the enhancement or the maturity of her lover.“I want to be the one to show him better, to teach him better so we can be together forever.” She later goes on stating “ I know I’m not God, but this one stands distinctly at the centre of my eye. It kills me to feel like another glimpse of someone will heal the very part of him that I am seeking to contact.” Readers get a chance to see how absorbed and mentally attached the writer is evoking jealous tendencies and attachment styles.
“It’s not yours” The second speaker, who is God, gives the character an answer that is not merely pleasing. The speaker uses “it” to signify the relationship and not the person himself. The main character knows that she has a decision to make which is not in accordance with the plans of the father.
The protagonist continues by stating “But this is what I need!!!” Commentators can see that the main character is still in opposition, hesitancy, and denial of what God is saying, hence her “sentence” starting with the word “but”. Later in that stanza, she expresses “He loves me and I felt alive….” The writer explains that she gets validation and a form of appreciation from having her lover show her to the “world”. This indicates that the relationship was very private (however she felt seen) this evokes themes of insecurity and secrecy. She then showed a graphic depiction of intimacy.
The readers then see the writer stating “I need-“ before being interrupted by God. He says “trust me” he cuts her off because her tone was filled with ranting, even unknowingly testifying of her sexual sin. Readers see that her sexual sin was caused by insecurity. It is evident that the main character’s vision is blurred by fear and is afraid to let go of a toxic relationship.
The writer ignores the commentary made by Jehovah Jireh and further expresses how she feels. She states that she is giving up a secret relationship which readers would figure in the first stanza. “I’m giving up something that is secret for something that is sacred. Sacrificial death of my flesh that arouses me.Give me an Abraham outcome” She refers to wanting to leave it for something that is powerful and meaningful. She implies that she is sacrificing her “flesh” which is her desires that are not from Christ. The writer uses the word “aroused” to show the sin of sexual immorality. The word “aroused” also showed that she enjoyed the relationship or the fruits of the flesh.
The writer moves on to say, “Give me an Abraham outcome.” She demands what she wants, she does not ask or plee. This reveals that the writer has traits of entitlement which can lead to pride or show that she often gets what she wants. The writer alludes to a story in the Old Testament about a man Abraham who was 100 years of age, when God gave him a son who he desired so dearly. God told him to sacrifice his son Issac to show if he loved his son more than God the creator of everything. Eventually God saw his obedience and willingness to sacrifice his son and he sent an angel to stop Abraham from killing his son.
The writer is demanding through frustration, “ if he can do it for you he can do it for me.” This is a saying or phrase used within the Christian community when giving testimonies; it translates that if God has blessed a particular person, he can bless another person too (absolutely a fact). However the character was taunting and disrespectful by demanding that God allow her to be with the person she desired who was clearly not ordained for her. She further goes on to say “where’s my testimony of that” again evoking emotions of anger and frustration. It’s a response that is basically implying why can’t I have what I want ?
The quote “My hearts desires” is taken from the scripture Psalm 37:4-5 KJV“ Delight thyself also in the LORD; And he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; Trust also in him; And he shall bring it to pass. “ The main character showed that she did not have the strongest foundation in Christ; however, God is still working on her, through this heavy conviction. The writer misinterpreted the scripture by thinking that she could get everything she wanted, however the scripture is about us as Christian’s being granted our desires which are in alignment to God’s word. Which is pleasing and not grievous as he states in 1 John 5. [2] By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. [3] For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
Then God spoke again saying “Wait on me” Readers can see that the author is rifled up, so he says to wait. Indicating that he has something better for her in store. Biblical reference can be found in Jeremiah 29:11
The author answers back and expresses frustration and trust issues when she says “Patience has broken me and healed me again but how am I sure it won’t suffocate me to death? “ The speaker is using literary devices to highlight that she has gone through something traumatic and is dreading to go through that grieving process again.
“my eyes get weary, my skin leaks tears, I don’t even feel like I’m human Just give me him ….”
In the later end of the poem the first speaker depicts signs of anxiety that manifest physically; she mentioned that she cries and sweats quite frequently . In that same line she stated “ I don’t even feel like I’m human”Feeling displaced and misunderstood she later goes on to say “Just give me him.” This portrays how yearning she is for love and that she may not be comfortable being alone.
“He listens and does the opposite of what I asked*”
The poem ends with the first speaker stating that the second speaker, who is God, has listened to her pleas but has not granted her the desired answers, but rather the opposite. This outcome for her is a test, which can birth more dependence on Christ or her own wisdom which leads her to miss out on God’s wonderful plans towards her.
What God wants you to know.
Jesus did not come to live a life on earth where he wouldn’t feel temptations hurt, betrayal, grief, stress, or the dreading of hardship. He came to show us how to live through it with faith and hope in him and the father, God.
We can see Jesus going through pain in many scripture verses.
● Where he wept
● Sweat blood from stress
● Ask for the cup to be removed from him ● Got angry
All of these are of which his father God himself felt. God Is not just demanding , forgiving and numb to other emotions. He is the definition of love and he feels every emotion we feel. We can see confirmation throughout the Bible, but one that stood out to me is Jeremiah chapter 2-5 and beyond.
God is hurting from betrayal of Israel and Judah when they choose to worship other gods.
“This is what the LORD says: “What fault did your ancestors find in me, that they strayed so far from me?” He asked a rhetorical question implying what did he do wrong to deserve this which we as humans feel at times.
God also felt hurt when he saw that Jesus was dying on the cross for us. However through this we still see a demonstration of God’s love forgiving, restoring, showing mercy, and blessing the faithful and unjust. Therefore God’s requirements from us are understood through experience and him being omnipotent.
Letting go of an addiction is something that God understands is hard for us. He has not went through addictions however he knows what it means to give up someone who he loves, scripture reference in John 3:16.
God went through these things to show us that we can make it and to show us that life isn’t always easy. However we must continue or walk with faith, patience and perseverance.
God calls us his sons/children. We can see this again in Jeremiah. Therefore like any other earthly father that loves their children he corrects us. However his correction blesses, protects and is in our best interest and not off of selfish motives which our earthly fathers fall to. His ways are not grievous, do not grow weary of his corrections or turn our backs from it. Even if we know or have a small concept of what God is correcting us about, don’t run from it due to discomfort. It saves you earlier from a path of damnation.
For all those who may have fallen short in any way God doesn’t see us by our mistakes; he recognizes them and he knows. However he sees us by our best qualities or e.g. David. Although he sinned continuously he was a “man after God’s our heart.”
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